


Without You

by muffiny_muffin



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Age Changes, Alternative Universe - Highschool, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Coffee, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Love Triangles, M/M, Mutual Pining, Parties, Pining, Secret Crush, Stress, Swearing, insecure jaemin, pink haired!Jaemin, shy jaemin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-24 23:19:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17110049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/muffiny_muffin/pseuds/muffiny_muffin
Summary: Jaemin likes Jeno. Jeno doesn’t know Jaemin exists.Or two confused teens in need of love.





	1. Chapter 1

The bell had just rung, signalling the start of lunch. Students rushed out, eager to get out of the classroom. Jaemin packed up his supplies, trying not to think of where he would be in a few minutes. Donghyuck was standing beside his desk, waiting to drag Jaemin to the cafeteria. Jaemin swore Donghyuck would bounce off the walls with how much excitement the boy had.

 

Donghyuck and his boyfriend, Mark, hadn’t seen each other in over a week. This was because the latter’s grade had a field trip in the countryside. As a result, Donghyuck was touch-starved and looked to his best friend to fill the void. He had invaded the younger’s room multiple times wanting hugs. That plan didn’t work out well for the needy one, with him ending up on the floor several times. He ended up there from a very displeased Jaemin pushing him off the bed.

 

Mark and his friends were a year older than him and Donghyuck, but that didn’t seem to bother the couple at all. They even had a few classes together, with Donghyuck taking classes above his grade level. When they’re together, they’re inseparable. Glued at the hip inseparable. Jaemin wished he would have someone who would treat him the way Mark treated Donghyuck. A person to care for, and to be cared by. Someone he could rely on for anything.

 

There was one problem with his search for this person because there was only one person Jaemin wanted it to be.

 

Jeno.

 

For almost two full years, since Jaemin entered this school, he’s only had eyes for Jeno. Ever since they knocked into each other in the hall on Jaemin’s first day, he hasn’t been able to think of anyone else that way. All it took was one flash of that awkward smile and Jaemin fell.

 

It was a useless crush that would never amount to anything. That’s what he would tell himself every time he would see Jeno. He didn’t want to get his own hopes up when Jeno never noticed him. Jaemin can’t ever remember a time when his crush has said more than a word to him at one time. Despite Jaemin and Donghyuck sitting with Jeno and his friend’s table every other day, Jeno never looked his way.

 

And that’s just where they sat that day. The only reasons Jaemin sits there at all is because Donghyuck is there, and his friend wants him to stay there. Donghyuck is there because of Mark sitting there since he’s part of the soccer team. Some of his teammates sit with him. The two that sit with Mark the most are Lucas and Jeno, who are also on the soccer team.

 

Donghyuck brought Jaemin to some of their home games. In the beginning, he would watch Donghyuck cheer for his boyfriend, when his face would light up when Mark would save a shot. But, over time, someone stole his attention. The star player of the team, Jeno, would catch his eye. Soon enough, Jaemin couldn’t look at anyone but him.

  
  
Jaemin would stay in his and Donghyuck’s usual spot in the hallway, if not for the latter dragging him along to the cafeteria. Donghyuck realized Jaemin’s crush seven months into school, which was followed by Donghyuck being disappointed he hadn’t fessed up to his best friend. By that time, Donghyuck was already dating Mark, which made it easier for him to play matchmaker. Donghyuck might have thought sitting the two right next to each other would be the fastest way to get them to bond, but it was useless. Jaemin’s been forced to sit here for close to two years with no luck.

  
  
The pair walked into the cafeteria, Jaemin trailing after the other. Mark waved them over from the other side of the large room. Only Mark, Lucas, and Jeno were there today and Jaemin hoped he wouldn’t have to sit beside Jeno. But Donghyuck wouldn’t have any of that. The latter didn’t leave any room left on the bench after Mark scooted over to fit his boyfriend. This only left the place right beside Jeno. Even though it was a rather large space, the proximity to the older still felt uncomfortable.

  
  
It had also been a week since Jaemin had seen Jeno, with him and Lucas in the same grade as Mark, thus all three having to go on the stupid field trip. He didn’t feel the need to squeeze Jeno to death like Donghyuck did to Mark. Though, he wanted to be acknowledged at least once today. Sometimes he felt so low, only asking for something so simple, yet he couldn’t even be granted that. He wished he didn’t light up the way he does whenever Jeno so much as looks his way. But it was now ingrained into his mind that that’s the most he’s ever going to get.

  
  
Lucas’s boisterous laugh snagged his thoughts away, bringing him back into reality. Jaemin looked over at his friend to his right, who was telling a funny story to Mark. He could tell it was funny from the way Mark doubled over in a fit of giggles. Then he glanced to his left where Lucas was trying to calm down. Jeno told a lame joke which was one of the few ways to get Lucas to laugh that much. The only other times he seems to turn red is when Jeno or Mark do something stupid.

  
  
Jaemin contemplated going to the library but decided against it. It always ended with Donghyuck dragging his ass back within minutes. No matter how many times he tried, he would always end up back here by the time lunch ended.   
They’ll back here for lunch every day for the next week. The couple would want to make up for the week they lost.

  
  
Jaemin would do almost anything to see Donghyuck happy. The two have been friends for so long they know each other better than they know themselves. He knows Donghyuck only wants him to be happy, which is why he tries so hard to get his friend’s crush to notice him. No matter how much Jaemin denies it, Donghyuck knows he appreciates the gesture.   
Jaemin was just about to join the couple’s discussion when Lucas spoke across the table to Mark.

  
  
” You’re going to Jaehyun’s party this Friday, right?” They all remembered about Mark and Donghyuck’s plans to go out Friday. This party was important because this will be Jaehyun’s last high school party before he graduates. Mark had been friends with him since they first got into this school when he needed someone older to show him around. Jaehyun would graduate in a week, and he wanted to spend what little time he had left with his friends.

  
  
Mark turned to Donghyuck, asking if it was okay to cancel their date with puppy eyes.

  
  
”We’ll come with you” Donghyuck replied, smiling. The ’we’ that Donghyuck spoke of would most likely include Jaemin. It confirmed his suspensions when his devil of a friend wrapped an arm around his shoulder. He tried to get out of the hold, so he could run far away from whatever Donghyuck has planned. Donghyuck’s arm stayed firm, keeping him where he sat.   


  
Jaemin whined, trying to shove Donghyuck in the face. All he got in return was a sharp jab to the ribs. This made him squeak. He would keep on protesting, no matter what it took. Lee Jaemin does not go to parties. Donghyuck would have to be half insane to want to bring him along.

  
  
”Come on, it’ll be fun,” Donghyuck said, still not letting go of Jaemin’s shoulder.

  
  
”Maybe for you, because you have someone to talk to” He muttered, though Donghyuck still heard him.

  
  
”You can stick with me and Mark”

  
  
”Remember the last time you said that? Within five minutes I had lost you to the crowd. Mark goes to his friends and you go with him. That leaves me wondering around until you come to get me when we have to go” Jaemin tried to add bitterness to his voice.   


  
”It won’t bother anyone if you hang out with Mark’s friends”

  
  
”You know why I don’t like being around them” Donghyuck follows the younger’s gaze to the person who sits to his left.

  
  
”At some point, you’ll realize how stupid you’re being. You must tell him at some point if you ever want him to notice you” Donghyuck got up, along with the rest of the table. The bell would ring soon.

  
  
”Not likely,” Jaemin said under his breath, getting up. Jeno never acknowledged him that day, and he got a feeling that he never would. He hurried to his locker, grabbing his books for his next class. On the way, he prayed he would survive till the end of the week.   
  


 

The rest of the week had passed, and now it was Friday. Every time Jaemin would tell Donghyuck he wasn't going, his friend would threaten to expose his crush to Jeno. This always shut him up.   


  
He didn't like parties. Too many sweaty bodies shoved into one space. Hormonal teens grinding on one another did not sit well with Jaemin. Last time he went to a party, and Donghyuck left him alone, people would hit on him. It was always the gross ones, the ones too lonely to get someone better. They wanted to get laid and would leave once someone satisfied them.   


  
Jaemin felt like collapsing when he got home from school. Two exams in one day were exhausting. That, and Donghyuck nagging to him every chance he got about this evening. From his clothing, to how he had to stick to Donghyuck’s side. Protesting against going was useless now.   


  
Standing in front of his closet, Jaemin contemplated his outfit for the evening. Donghyuck had specified something ‘nice looking’ but comfortable. This meant jeans and a t-shirt. He guessed the comfort aspect was for dancing. Like anyone could get him to dance in public.   


  
The couple would arrive at his house in two hours to pick him up. He had two hours to prepare himself for the night. His friend would follow Mark around like a lost puppy, seeming to forget Jaemin’s existence. This left him standing in a corner trying to be invisible. Keeping this from happening was impossible.   


  
Scenario's played through his head while he waited. He thought of a million things he could mess up tonight. With every one, his stomach dropped a little more. He didn’t know if he would survive the evening. 

  
  
Mark’s car pulled into his driveway. Jaemin hauled himself off the couch, heading out the door. With every step he took, he felt a little closer to death.    


  
The ride passed, the only disruption coming from the radio. Jaemin stared out the window, wondering why Donghyuck brought him to the party. His best friend should know he didn’t socialize well. He must have another motive. Donghyuck said Jaemin needed more memories. There was always something hidden between his words. The problem lies with figuring out what he means.   


  
They pulled up at a nice looking two story. There were so many cars parked outside. Seeing people through the window made him discouraged. He guessed he needed courage first before being discouraged.   


  
His car door opened, and he was being dragged into the house. Judging from the impatient look Donghyuck gave him, Jaemin had spaced out. He let the older pull him along. Across the lawn and into his doom.

  
  
Blaring music met them as they passed the threshold. Donghyuck let go of him in favour of following Mark. The crowd swallowed the two, leaving Jaemin alone in the entrance.

  
  
Jaemin sighed, searching for a path through. He headed for the far corner, finding a quiet spot to spend the evening. Only a trash can occupied the space. Pushing it aside, he sat down. He hoped that no one would notice him.

  
  
His solitude didn’t last long. A couple decided the best place to make out was the wall right beside Jaemin’s head. When he looked over, he saw Donghyuck pushed against the wall. The one doing the pushing was none other than Mark. Jaemin could barely contain his horror, averting his eyes quickly. He scrambled to get up, moving with the crowd till he was across the room.

  
  
The couple was out of sight, much to his relief. Now he had to find somewhere else to stay. They would be here longer than planned, judging by what he witnessed. They may even be here until morning. The older told him it’s happened before. Jaemin insisted on not needing anymore details.   


  
Bodies closed in around him. He turned in circles, Looking for a free space. Pressure built up in his chest, he needed to breathe. Every time he moved someone shoved him beside him. It wasn’t long before he let the crowd take him. He didn’t understand where he was going, except towards the back of the house. All he wanted was to avoid his crush. The one-time Jaemin ran into Jeno at a party it ended with Donghyuck hugging him to death.

  
  
Jaemin bushes off the memory when he reached the kitchen. There were fewer people, allowing him space to gasp in oxygen. With the noise volume quieter, he could hear his own thoughts again. Cans and solo cups were scattered on the counters. Scraps of food also left lying around.   


  
Soon, the room was empty. Jaemin stood in the corner far from the entrance. He could still hear people, but it was more muffled. His breathing calmed now others weren’t surrounding him.

  
  
A large group invaded the kitchen. Some of them he recognized, others he didn’t. He saw a few of the graduates, Jaehyun included. There was the rest of his friends. They were that clique everyone knew, no matter who you were. All their names were familiar to the entire student body.

  
  
As they poured in, he noticed others with them. He spotted one person in particular who made his stomach drop. There was Jeno, amongst his friends. It wasn’t even five minutes ago when he calmed down. Now his heart raced again. Donghyuck was the only reason he ever stayed relaxed around his crush. Jaemin did a quick look, not seeing his friend anywhere. He was sucking faces with Mark, no doubt. But now Jaemin had no one else to direct attention on. All he could focus on was his crush and his pounding heart.

  
  
With the amount people now in the kitchen, it was getting cramped. Jeno stood by the entrance, but it still made Jaemin nervous. Moments later, the older was closer than the other found comfortable. He was getting dizzy by this point, from his anxiety.   


  
He staggered, grabbing the counter for support. After shaking his head to clear it, Jaemin looked up. When he did, Jeno’s gaze met his own. The other must’ve misunderstood the panic in his eyes. Jeno was next to him in a flash, which made Jaemin’s insides flip.

  
  
“Are you okay? What’s your name?” Jeno went to put a hand on Jaemin’s shoulder. The younger moved away quickly as if he was burned.

  
  
Dread settled deep into Jaemin’s heart. He backed out, nearing the red area. As fast as he could, he turned and bolted for the yard. Pressure came from all sides. The crowd had thickened from before. He pushed past the people, then he broke free.   


  
The front door handle was slippery under his sweaty palms. He took a few tries at it, but he got it opened. He ran out, finding a place in the bushes to hide. It was pitch black outside, with outing but light from inside to see by. He was so lost in his headspace he didn’t hear the footsteps passing him.

  
  
Controlling his panic this time exhausted him a lot more than in the kitchen. Whenever his breathing would be close to evening out, his mind went back to Jeno. How the older looked at him like a complete stranger. He even asked what his name was. That meant Jeno didn’t recognize him as the person who’s sat beside him at lunch for over a year.

  
  
Thoughts kept running through his head for hours. He knew this because, as he became coherent enough, people had were walking out.

  
  
A little unsteady on his feet, Jaemin got out of the shrubbery. He was careful not to run into Jeno at any point as he searched for his ride home. If he needed to, he could’ve walked, but he wanted to make sure Donghyuck was all right.

  
  
He found Mark first. The boy was wandering around aimlessly. He seemed relieved when he saw Jaemin, jogging up to the younger.    


  
“Where have you been? Donghyuck’s been losing his mind trying to find you” Mark gave him a hard stare. Seconds passed before Donghyuck came running down the stairs. He all but barrel rolled into the younger. He only stopped when he noticed Jaemin.

  
  
Before he could process what was happening, he was being squeezed to death by Donghyuck. His friend buried his face in Jaemin’s neck. Then, it was ended by Donghyuck punching him in the chest. Jaemin was very confused by his friends actions.    


  
“We’ve been searching for you for over two hours. Where were you? I was so worried” Tears had formed in the older’s eyes.

  
  
“I’m sorry” Is all Jaemin could manage before he too felt a wave of emotion rush him. The whole night's events came crashing down on him. He wanted to curl up under a blanket and never get up.

  
  
“Let's get you two home. Both of you could use a good night’s sleep” Mark muttered softly, herding them into his car and driving off.   
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


	2. Chapter 2

The bright sunlight woke Jaemin the next morning. A small breeze blew through the open window, ruffling his bed sheets. His pillow was soft against his cheek as he rolled over. The clock sitting on his nightstand read ten o’clock. Three hours later than he usually woke up. Thank goodness it’s summer.   


  
He groaned, memories of the previous night coming back to him. Embarrassment swept over him. How could he have such an idiot? Made a fool of himself in front of his crush? The only person he wished to impress.   


  
Regret suffocated him first. He never should’ve agreed to go. Giving in to Donghyuck’s ‘plans’ would lead to misery one day. They weren’t bad ideas, the only problem was Jaemin himself. The sinking feeling got deeper with the image of Donghyuck’s face from the party. Right after the couple had found him. His friend looked devastated and elated at the same time. Jaemin wanted the guts to confess about the party to Donghyuck.   


  
The pain worsened when he thought of what Jeno said to him. He didn’t remember who Jaemin was. That fact alone made him nauseous. He wasn’t memorable enough to someone who sat right next to him. Who would remember him at all? These thoughts followed him all day. Doubt chased his mind long after that. Crawling around his brain, keeping rooted there.   


  
The next week all Jaemin could think of was Jeno. The look the older gave him when he reached his hand out. How concern had laced his voice when he spoke. It broke his heart, knowing he might never be noticed again. He will always be the invisible person beside him. Constantly waiting for a crumb of attention.    


  
There were moments Jaemin wished he didn’t like Jeno. Others where he wanted to forget Jeno altogether. Life would be much smoother if he didn’t have to be near the older. He wouldn’t have to care about being outed by anyone. Donghyuck wouldn’t be on his case 24/7, or have pity in his eyes whenever Jaemin got ignored. No more anxiety dripping from his pores. His life could be much easier without the older around.   


  
He would think so hard he wouldn’t feel the tears forming in his eyes. Thoughts ran through his head until it became muddled with heartache. It would happen at the least expected times. When he was getting ready, or having breakfast. It was worse when Donghyuck was over. The other’s concern was clear, never having seen his friend in such a state.    


  
After that incident, the older didn’t go a without asking Jaemin if he was okay. He brushed the other off, acting like nothing was wrong. It confused Donghyuck why his friend was becoming distant. He realized that something that was bothering the other and wanted to keep it secret. It wasn’t like them to bottle themselves up from each other. He wanted to see his friend smile again. Donghyuck was determined to figure out what hurt Jaemin. The problem was finding out what it was.   


  
He didn’t have much to go on. Jaemin had acted strange after the party. Ever since then, he’s been more subdued than before. He didn’t joke as much, or laugh as much. Even the look in his eyes changed. They seemed to glaze over, turning to glass that’s ready to break at any moment. The only other information Donghyuck had was when he mentioned the party. It was impossible to not notice the shift in Jaemin. The younger would stiffen slightly and look away, like he was hiding his expression. Whatever it was, it was taking its toll on Jaemin. Donghyuck hoped the other would tell him, instead of him having to find out by other means.   
  


 

Summer is the time for teens to thrive. They look for fun whenever and wherever they can get it. That’s what Jeno and his friends were doing. It was their last free summer break before they become adults.   


  
The three were together almost every day. Mark only left to visit his boyfriend. Jeno was 70% sure his name was Donghyuck, but he never paid attention to his under classmates. Why start now when he’ll be out in a year?   


  
He and Lucas had just gotten back to his place when Mark texted.    
  
Mark    
10:47 AM   
Party Yuta’s place today   
I’ll pick u up   
  
Jeno   
10:48 AM   
K   
  
Mark   
10:51 AM   
And Donghyuck and his friend r coming along   
  
Jeno   
10:51 AM   
K   
  
“We’re going to Yuta’s in a few hours” Is all he said to Lucas before flopping onto the couch.   


  
“Who’ll be there?”    


  
“He didn’t say. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’ll be someone there for you to flirt with”   


  
“Is he bringing that boy Jae- Jae-, whatever his boyfriend’s name is?”   


  
“Yeah. He and his friend are going though, so I don’t think he’ll be with us the entire time” All Jeno got in return was a grunt when the other plopped himself down beside him on the couch.    


  
It didn’t bother him that Donghyuck was joining. He was rather quiet, only budding in to ask Mark something. The boy was clingy though, which surprised Jeno at first. He didn’t see Mark as the kind to enjoy lots of skinship. Over time, Jeno’s gotten used to the younger being there.   
  
Mark   
10:58 AM   
It’s a pool party   
Don’t forget trunks   
  
Jeno   
10:58 AM   
I’ll tell Lucas    
  
“It’s a pool party”   


  
“Sweet, there’ll be bikinis everywhere”   


  
He had to roll his eyes at his friends comment. He was a good person, respected the fact that his two best friends were into guys, but he was straight as an arrow. Put any cute girl in front of him and he’ll start drooling. It amused him and Mark to no end when Lucas would follow girls around like a lost puppy. He has a soft spot for the shy ones. This causes him to search the very far corners of a party or club for someone to talk to.    


  
His thoughts flickered back to the party a week ago. He couldn’t get that person out of his head. The panicked look he had concerned Jeno. It didn’t make him feel any better when said person ran out. He had followed, wanting to make sure the boy was okay. After searching the entire yard twice, he gave up and went inside. It’s safe to say he wasn’t in a partying mood after that.   


  
He hoped the boy was doing well now. The pure terror in his eyes told Jeno enough. Now he wished to know what terrified him that much. What could’ve caused someone so much fear he ran away? There shouldn’t be anything scary at a party. It was a mystery to him. Jeno doubted he would see the boy again, let alone speak to him. Even worse, the other might not remember him.   


  
Besides, that might be a good thing. If they ever spoke again, it’d be extremely awkward. What do you say to someone you saw in that situation? Not ‘Hi, I hope you felt better after you had a panic attack at that party’. That would make things even more uncomfortable. He can’t imagine what it would be like in the other’s shoes.   


  
“He’s here” Lucas yelled from his place by the window. He had moved to sit there, to watch for when Mark arrived. The shout had shaken Jeno’s previous thoughts away. He grabbed his phone and rushed out the front door. The two wrestled, trying to get the passenger seat. Mark sat in the car, laughing at his friend's antics. This is how they were, loud and boisterous. Nothing could change that.    


  
“Donghyuck and his friend are walking there” Mark received a small hum from Jeno before he drove.   


  
Lucas cranked the radio, then opened the window to let air in. Jeno mirrored this action, staring out after putting his shades on. Neither of them cared that the entire world could hear the music. It was these moments he enjoyed the most. Where he was free of responsibilities. Here, he was Jeno, who would laugh at anything, tell lame jokes, and eat piles of junk food. This was the closest to being his true self around others. It was close, but he couldn’t go that extra step. He doesn’t know if he ever will.

 

 

Jaemin was having a peaceful morning. Until his phone blew up with messages.   
  
Donghyuck   
10:32 AM   
Hey   
We’re going to a party today   
A pool party   
  
Jaemin   
10:35 AM   
Not going   
  
Donghyuck   
10:35 AM   
Of course ur going   
I’ll drag u there if I have to   
  
Jaemin   
10:36 AM   
I’m staying home   
  
Donghyuck   
10:37 AM   
Nope   
U need to cheer up   
  
Jaemin was afraid it would have the opposite effect. Especially if he saw a certain someone again. He hadn’t told Donghyuck what had transpired that night. The younger was hesitant.   


  
He knew he worried Donghyuck about him. Logically, he should confide in his only friend. The thing was, he didn’t know how. At least, without sounding a little insane. How do you say ‘I had an anxiety attack because my crush almost touched me’? Also, Jaemin was afraid of Donghyuck taking the situation the wrong way. That he would use this to get Jaemin closer to Jeno. Which would make everything worse than it needed to be.   
  
Jaemin    
10:39 AM   
Still not going    
  
Donghyuck   
10:40 AM   
I’ll be at ur place in an hour   
  
  
True to his word, Donghyuck was there an hour later. Knocking loudly on the front door. Jaemin was still in his pyjamas, determined not to go. He stood from the couch to let the other in. Once the door opened, Donghyuck looked him over.   


  
“What are you wearing? You are aware we’re going to a pool party, right?” He pushed passed Jaemin, moving straight to the younger’s bedroom. Said person was following sluggishly, hanging his head.   


  
“You mean ‘you’, not ‘we’” Jaemin collapsed on his bed face down. Meanwhile, Donghyuck was raiding his closet, searching for something suitable for the couch potato to wear.   


  
“No, I mean ‘we’” Donghyuck replied, facing the one on the bed. In his hands was a bright blue shirt Jaemin hadn’t worn in months. “You’re coming to this party, whether or not you like it”   


  
“But why?” The pillow Jaemin was lying on muffled the whine. Maybe smothering himself should be better than what he expected at the party. With his luck, Donghyuck still heard him   


  
“You need to get of this funk. Mopping around will not help with whatever’s going on”   


  
“Neither is going to a party” He mutters, grateful Donghyuck didn’t hear the comment that time.   


  
The latter was, oblivious to many of the people around him. Sometimes he didn’t know when a person wanted to stop talking about something. Or why someone was hurting. Though he always felt when someone was down.   


  
By now, the latter was back at shuffling through the drawers. He spun and threw a pile of clothes on the floor. A frustrated expression lay on his face.   


  
“Maybe if you told me what was wrong, we could talk about it”   


  
“It’s nothing” All Jaemin wanted to do was end the conversation. His heart was heavy enough already.   


  
“Like he’ll it’s nothing. Look at yourself, you’re a mess. You wouldn’t be this way if it was nothing”   


  
“Just, never mind”   


  
Donghyuck was about to say something, but Jaemin cut him off.   


  
“I’ll go to the party if you drop it” he sighed. He could run into Jeno. The thought of having to tell Donghyuck what happened when he wasn’t ready was even more daunting. He wanted to tell his friend when he had his emotions in check. There was too much story to cover. Donghyuck didn’t even know he had anxiety.   


  
“Fine. I’ll leave it for now, but you have to say something eventually” Hopefully before you hurt yourself even more. Donghyuck kept the last words to himself, unsure how the younger would react to them.    


  
With that Jaemin’s fate was sealed. He reluctantly changed into the outfit Donghyuck had chosen. The latter knew Jaemin wouldn’t get in the water. Despite this, he had the other wear trunks.   


  
“You need to look the part, at least”   


  
Then they were off. Yuta’s place was only a few blocks from Jaemin’s. It made for a short walk. Definitely not enough time for him to mentally prepare himself for swarms of people.   
  


 

  
Jeno was bored.   


  
They had arrived early, so no one was there. Lucas had gone into the house, sniffing out food. That left Jeno outside with Mark. The older was waiting for his boyfriend to get there. They sat beside the pool, watching the few who had just arrived splash around. It would be awhile before the yard was full.   


  
Only a few minutes later, Mark jumped up from his seat. He had his phone in hand, texting rapidly.   


  
“Donghyuck’s here. I’ll be right back.” With that, the older dashed to the front.   


  
Since he was now alone, Jeno went wandering. Maybe he could pick up a conversation elsewhere. Even with the limited amount of people. Just as he turned a corner around the house, he spotted someone laying on the grass.   


 

  
  
As soon as they stepped foot on the yard, Donghyuck was swooped away by Mark. Jaemin set out to his usual spot, in a corner somewhere. There weren’t many people there yet. This made it easier for him to find a place to sit. He chose to lay on the grass beside the house. It was by the far side of the house. Which meant away from anyone who would bother him. At least, that’s what he thought.   


  
His peace didn’t last long. Foot steps broke his concentration from the sky. He didn’t want to move from his place on the ground. All he did was close his eyes, praying the person would pass quickly. They didn’t. Instead, they halted right beside his head. Jaemin let out an unsteady breath.   


  
“Hey, you’re the boy from the party last week” the horrifyingly familiar voice said. Hearing the person speak, Jaemin’s eyes flew open. He sat with a start, trying to look anywhere but the person in front of him. He tried to stand, only to stumble and land on his ass. Karma was not his friend today.   


  
“You okay? That looked like it hurt” The older knelt next to him, making it impossible for Jaemin to avoid Jeno’s gaze. He felt his heart pounding in his chest. Whether from the other’s worried expression or nervousness, he didn’t know. The two sat in silence. Jaemin had forgotten the other asked a question. Jeno spoke up, breaking the awkward pause between them.    


  
“I’m Jeno. In case you were wondering” He flashed the younger a bright smile, extending his hand to shake.   


  
Jaemin wanted to yell at the other. To tell him ‘of course I know, but I wish I didn’t’. But how could he? He was talking to the person he’s been pining after for two years. Well, he wasn’t talking to him. He hadn’t said anything to the older.   


  
“So, what’s your name?” Jeno spoke as he bent down, trying to get a good view of Jaemin’s face. He didn’t answer, only trying to stand again. It confused Jeno why the other wasn’t saying anything.    


  
Right as Jaemin got on his feet, he ran. Classic him found a gap between the bushes to hide. He didn’t feel as panicked as last time. Because he hadn’t had an attack before this one. There weren’t many people around either. Despite this, his breathing was still erratic. How could one person make him like this? And in such a short time?   


  
Jaemin heard a person approaching. He made sure he was covered enough. Just when he finished rustling around, Jeno came around the corner. His head swivelled from side to side. It seemed like he was searching for something. He was moving towards the bushes where the other was hiding. Jaemin held his breath. Jeno was about to shoes when someone spoke up.   


  
“Jeno” Mark called over the fence. “Where have you been? We’ve looked everywhere for you”   


  
“We?” Jeno furrowed his brows in question.   


  
“You know, me and Donghyuck” Hearing his name, Donghyuck poked his head over. He waved, sending Jeno a small smile. An ‘oh’ is all they got in return.   


  
He sighed, giving up his search for the mystery boy. If he ran away, then he didn’t want to be found. But Jeno still wondered about him. He wanted to make sure the other was okay. After that thought, he walked into the backyard to join his friends.   
  


 

  
A few hours later, Jaemin was still in the shrubs. He only got out when he heard Donghyuck call for him. He popped his head out. When his friend saw where he was sitting he fell into fits of laughter.   


  
“Is this your way of hiding from Jeno?” Donghyuck said between gulps of air.   


  
“It’s effective enough” Jaemin started as he brushed the dirt from himself.   


  
“Let’s get going, it’s already five”   


  
“Holy shit, really?” The younger rushed to grab his phone to check the time. Sure enough, they had been here five hours already. Considering they got here at noon.   


  
“Come on, we should go watch a movie or something”   


  
The walk was quiet. Donghyuck thought of Mark. How much fun he had this afternoon. Meanwhile, Jaemin tried not to think of his crush. Donghyuck knocked the other with his shoulder, earning a grunt.    


  
“You know, I brought you today so you could have fun. Not sit in the bushes”   


  
“Jeno was there”   


  
“Oh my g-, someday you’ll either have to tell him or get over him. Look what he’s doing to you”   


  
“What’re you talking about?”   


  
“That you’ve been gloomy since you met him. And it’s only gotten worse the past week”   


  
“I know” He mumbled, lowering his head.   


  
“Hey” Donghyuck stopped walking. He turned to face his friend, who had also halted his steps. “It’s not all your fault. That idiot doesn’t know what he’s missing” He waited a few seconds before continuing. “I don’t want you hurt. Not just by him. By anyone”   


  
A ‘thanks’ is all Jaemin could get out before his companion was hugging him. He felt his life bleeding out of him with how hard Donghyuck was squeezing. The silence that followed was comforting as they resumed their walk to Jaemin’s house.   
  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


	3. Chapter 3

The summer break had passed quickly for Jaemin. He had tried to keep himself busy, to avoid thinking of a certain someone. He slipped up often. His heart sunk every time it happened. Oh, how he wished he could focus on something else. Thankfully, he hadn’t seen the older since the pool party. Donghyuck had forgone bringing him along. He gave up after the last time. He figured the younger would hide himself away again, so he didn’t bother trying.

 

Donghyuck was over at Jaemin’s every chance he had. The two were inseparable the entire break. Most of their time together included playing video games, watching movies, or talking. They could go on for hours about any topic. It’s a skill they both had, to never run out of stuff to talk about. Other times they didn’t feel like speaking at all. In those moments, the silence was nice. Hearing each other breathe was comfort enough at this point.

 

Jaemin and Donghyuck had been friends since middle school. Their classmates introduced them and took to each other like a boat to water. ‘Affectionate people make the best friends’ is what their parents said when they were at the other’s home. Even years later, they still hold a strong bond. They would both say it’s stronger than before.

 

These days, they were only separated by Donghyuck going out with his boyfriend. Jaemin didn’t mind the older leaving him alone. He saw the way Donghyuck looked at Mark. Jaemin didn’t want to break that.

 

There were many things nagging his brain during his holiday. Thinking of going back to school stressed him out tremendously. Classes get three times harder. It didn’t help he chose all the hard classes. He would have to endure multiple tests and exams in one day. Plus the assignments and annoying people on top of it.

 

His tutoring job would start this year. Every teacher he had encouraged him to do something with his smarts. So he would help a grade 9 in their classes. He wasn’t too thrilled about it, but it would earn him some extra cash. That’s always a good thing when you’re a high school student.

 

The thing that caused him the most worry was Jeno. No way was he getting through this year without running into the older. Jaemin wasn’t able to hide things easily. The only reason he can keep secrets from Donghyuck is that he’s oblivious to these kinds of things. Once Jeno would speak to him, it would be obvious what Jaemin felt. He wasn’t ready for that.

 

It wasn’t the knowledge of who he liked that he was afraid of getting out. He was scared of Jeno’s reaction to it. Jaemin thought it would disgust the other. By Jaemin himself, and the thought of being together with someone like him. He didn’t want to be rejected. His heart would break into pieces that would take forever to heal.

  
It made him feel awful. Before, he would’ve done anything for his crush to speak to him. Now he wanted to stay far away from him. He wondered why he was like this, yet he knew. It embarrassed him, how he was noticed. He wanted to catch attention with his personality or looks. Not from having a panic attack at a party. It ruined the way he wanted his crush to see him. The image he had for himself was crushed. He seemed helpless now, instead of strong.

 

Donghyuck still didn’t know what transpired between him and Jeno. Jaemin had been mustering up the courage to talk all summer. It didn’t happen. Every time he tried, a small voice in his head kept saying ‘no’. He doesn’t know where it’s coming from. It seems very similar to his anxiety though. That frightened yet calmed him. He was unsure why the voice wouldn’t want him to tell his friend something important. But, he might have an explanation as to where it’s from. If it’s connected to his anxiety, then it was a legitimate thing. Not him going insane.

 

He knew it confused his friend. Why would your best friend hide something big from you? If it were the other way around, Jaemin would’ve forced the information out. Donghyuck was too kind for that tactic.

 

Forget everything. That’s what he needed. What he wanted. He could go back to how it was before. It won’t happen though. Jaemin could try to delete the memories, but would Jeno? The latter recognized him at the pool party. Maybe fate would lend him a hand. Let Jeno forget him. Just until Jeno can notice him on his own. A small blossom of hope bloomed in his chest. He carried it proudly for the next few days. To the first day of classes.

 

“Keep going” He said to himself. “Keep going”

 

Dread.

 

That’s the only word Jaemin could use to describe what he felt. It was a foreign emotion to him on that particular day. The first day of school. Sure, he wasn’t ever buzzing with excitement, but he never outright rejected the place. That was, until that moment.

 

As he walked towards the doors, he kept his head down. A habit he developed after years of tripping over his shoelaces. Though it somehow changed from that to him being embarrassed. Of what, he had many guesses. To keep others from looking at him too long. Prevent him from seeing something he shouldn’t have. This time was different. He could pinpoint why he found his shoes so fascinating. Maybe no one would recognize him. Jeno in particular. Maybe he would be okay, but he wasn’t taking any chances. A beanie covered his artificially pink hair, coloured for school pictures. He had forgone any bright clothes, hoping to blend in with the crowd. All he had to do now was pray that Donghyuck wouldn’t drag him for lunch. For the next month, maybe. Jeno would’ve forgotten him by then, right?

 

By the time he finished his last thought he found himself in front of the doors. Keep going. A mantra in his head on loop. Keep going. He couldn’t let one person ruin a whole year. Keep going.

 

Jaemin wanted to wait by the entrance for Donghyuck, but he didn’t want to run into a certain someone. So he hoped his friend would search the halls for him.

 

He waited a few minutes before Donghyuck found him. Jaemin hadn’t noticed the other at first. He was focused on checking his class paper. This caused him to jump when he was poked hard on the shoulder.

 

“What was that for?” He asked, rubbing the sore spot.

 

“I said hi five times already. You were starring at nothing, again”

  
“It’s not nothing. This is paper, see” Jaemin held the paper right up to Donghyuck’s face, making his point clear. The taller rolled his eyes at his friend’s attitude.

 

The bell was about to ring. Both preferred to be early. “See you second period” Was all that was said between them before Donghyuck went down the hall to history. Jaemin headed off in the opposite direction to the choir room.

 

An hour later he was standing beside Donghyuck again. This time they were in the gym, glaring down their worst enemy. Work out equipment.

 

It was no secret to either of them that the other detested exercise. At least Donghyuck went for regular walks with Mark. He would say he went because he needed to be healthier, but Jaemin knew better. The older would spend time with his boyfriend. Jaemin didn’t blame him. He wanted someone to go for walks with him. Other than Donghyuck, who would tease him.

 

They gathered their class in the equipment room while another class used the gym area. Donghyuck was ecstatic when he found out Mark’s class was the same period as theirs. No doubt he wanted to ogle his boyfriend while he was sweaty and panting. Jaemin felt sick. His gaze drifted over Donghyuck’s shoulder to see Jeno shooting hoops with Mark and Lucas. As soon as he had spotted the older he hid behind the nearest wall. His plan to avoid the older just became five times harder.

 

The morning had been good for Jaemin. He avoided Jeno for the entire hour before dashing out of the gym. That class would be a nightmare. No doubt about it. He couldn’t help stealing glances at the older. Soon he would stare like Donghyuck does at Mark. He definitely did not want that. Especially if he were to be caught by the one he was admiring. It wasn’t the day to die of embarrassment.

 

He said bye to Donghyuck for the second time that day. They promised to meet for lunch. Then he was walking to his next class. The worst one. Math.

 

As expected, he almost fell asleep. The teacher wouldn’t stop talking. Drowning on about how hard the course would be, and how much they would have to study. Jaemin knew no one in that class, so he spent his time dozing off with his head in his arms. An hour later the bell rang, which saved everyone from another story.

 

Jaemin spotted Donghyuck in the doorway as he got up. How the older got to his class so fast was a mystery.

  
“We’re sitting in the cafeteria today” Is all Donghyuck said as they started down the hall.

 

“No, thanks” Jaemin turned in the opposite direction, hoping to get away.

 

“Oh, no you don’t” Donghyuck grabbed the strap on his backpack, pulling him along.

 

“But why?” The whine sounded childish, but it was all Jaemin thought of. Donghyuck would usually go easy on him if he acted cute.

 

“You haven’t talked to anyone all summer. That’s not healthy”

 

“I don’t interact with anyone at that table, so what’s the point?”

 

“I’ll get you to talk to them. Simple as that”

 

“But-”

 

“Not another word. You’re coming with me. Even if you don’t talk, being around others helps”

 

Jaemin knew he wasn’t getting out of going. Donghyuck was stubborn. So Jaemin conceded, trudging behind the other. He pulled his hood up over his face before entering the wolf’s den. 

  
  


It was routine. Mark waving at them from the other end of the room. They walked their way around the chairs and tables. The couple hugged like they’re returned from war. Donghyuck took up the only space left that wasn’t beside Jeno. The latter didn’t spare him a glance. It hurt, but strangely, it felt okay. He didn’t feel like being nervous that day. 

 

The group, including Donghyuck, were chatting about their summer break. Lucas went on about the adventures the three had been on. They went on a road trip, travelling wherever they pleased. All of them had jobs over the break. There had been parties every weekend. They shared stories from those. All entertaining. The conversation was drifting to a lull when Mark brought up the party at Yuta’s. The one Donghyuck had brought Jaemin to.

 

“How does he always throw the bast parties?”

 

“Cause he knows everyone”

 

“Wasn’t that the day Lucas-”

 

“We promised to never speak of that”

 

“But it was so funny”

 

“Speaking of that day, there was someone I saw there that I didn‘t recognize” This made Jaemin’s breath hitch. It couldn’t be him. Jeno would’ve recognized him by then since he was sitting right beside him. If it was him, would it be something awful? Like how he was a loser. Or how he wanted to find him to make fun of him? Thoughts ran through his head as Jeno continued. “Do you think you would know who he is?”

 

“Maybe. But I never know half the people there”

 

”What’s his name?”

 

“No idea. He ran away before he told me” Right then, that’s when Jaemin panicked. His eyes wide as he stared at the food in front of him.

 

“Well that doesn‘t help. What did he look like?”

 

“I didn‘t get a good look at his face, but his hair was bright pink, if that helps” As soon as he said the word pink, Donghyuck’s head shot up. He glared into Jaemin’s head till the younger looked up sheepishly. His friend’s eyes widened before someone took away his attention.

 

“Wait, don‘t you have pink hair?” The table followed Mark’s gaze to Jaemin. He shrunk down in his seat, shy from the attention. That’s when he turned to see Jeno looking at him too. The older glimpsed him from under his hood. A small look of confusion spread on his face. Uncomfortable from all the eyes on him, Jaemin left. He got up from the table and ran. Away from the cafeteria before anyone could stop him.

 

Jaemin knew Donghyuck followed him. Which is why he slowed down. He went outside since he didn’t know where else to go. Even though he stopped running, he kept going. His pace was still quick, but nothing that his friend couldn’t catch up with. Donghyuck caught up to him soon enough. They stayed in silence for a while, making their way out onto the lawn. The bench they sat on was still a little damp from the morning dew off the trees. He knew he would have to tell the older at some point. It was that time. Donghyuck wouldn’t let him hold it in any longer.   
  
“So, are you going to tell me what that was all about?”   
  
“Yeah”   
  
“Does it have to do with why you’ve been acting strange all summer?”   
  
“Yeah”   
  
“Then spill”   
  
Jaemin did.   
  
He told him everything. What happened at Jaehyun’s party. His anxiety attacks. It was word vomit all over the place. He talked without thinking. All the emotions he had bottled up were let free. His thoughts out in the open. Donghyuck did nothing but listen. The blank look on his face never changed. Jaemin couldn’t tell what he was thinking though he could. He swore he heard the bell ring, but he didn’t care. He did what he wanted to do all summer. Tell his best friend.   


  
“Then I ran out before he could say anything” Jaemin finished his story. He let out a sigh, part relief, part worry. Donghyuck looked up at him, expression still plain.   


  
“That’s it?”   


  
“Yeah”   


  
“That’s what you’ve been keeping from me? So that’s why you refuse to talk to anyone? You’re an idiot, you know? Why couldn’t you trust me with this? If you can’t trust me with something this small, then can you trust me at all?” With each comment Jaemin flinched more.   


  
“Donghyuck I-“   


  
“Can I even trust you”   


  
“Of course-“   


  
“Because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it. Since you can’t bother to tell me anything anymore” After he said that, he sat up, brushing himself off. “I have to go, class started already”

 

Then he left. Marching off to the school doors. Jaemin knew he should get up, but he couldn’t. Everything Donghyuck said was true. How could his friend trust him if he didn’t tell him anything? He sat there for a while, thinking, before he went home. No point in going to class if he couldn’t pay attention.   


  
He thought his life couldn’t get any worse in that moment.   
  
  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


	4. Chapter 4

Jaemin was wrong, so wrong. His life could get worse. 

Donghyuck hadn’t talked to him in two days. That’s the longest they’ve gone without seeing each other, ever. He wasn’t sure why his friend was so upset. So he kept a small secret. He didn’t think it would be such a big deal. Though Donghyuck tended to hold on to things longer than he needed to. There was hope no for Jaemin if the other hated him. No way was Jaemin surviving the rest of highschool without him. It would have to be fixed somehow. 

Since their argument, Jaemin had felt little motivation for anything. He only went to school so him mom didn’t scold him. His class work had been sloppy. He didn’t talk to anyone if he could help it. The comfortable shell he’s built for himself got smaller, trapping him. Smiling seems like a distant memory to him. His brain was a pile of mush. But if anyone asks, he’s fine. The older was the only one who could see he wasn’t. His one person he could be free around was gone. He was stuck in a black abyss.

That wasn’t the only problem he had to deal with. While he was focusing on mending his friendship, they pushed his crush to the back of his mind. He didn’t have time to deal with two disasters at once. Never mind the energy. But when he was sitting at that table in biology, he wished he could’ve. A few seconds before, Jeno had sat himself right beside him. Then stared at his side profile.

Jaemin tried to ignore him, training his mind to the loud bell instead. It was hard. He shied away, moving his chair over so he could put distance between them. Jeno had to quit looking at him when the teacher walked to the front. 

There had been no time to converse during class. They had split into groups, separating the two. Then Jaemin could breath again. He went to leave when the bell rang, marking the end of the day. Just when he was about to step out, a hand grabbed his elbow. He turned around, his eyes meeting Jeno’s.

“Can we talk?” He could barely hear the words over the pounding in his ears. The spooked expression he had must’ve clicked in Jeno’s mind, because his features suddenly softened. He seemed confused more than anything else. 

“I need to go” Is all he could muster. He turned, hoping to leave. Instead he was grabbed again, this time by the shoulder. The grip was rougher than the first time.

“Are you all right? You freaked out pretty bad at that party. Then in the cafeteria. I want to make sure you’re okay.”

“I’m fine” It was hardly loud enough for anyone but Jeno to hear. He had said it enough in recent days that it rolled off the tongue. Discomfort burned in his chest as wrenched himself out of the hold. He walked out of the room, not hearing the quiet ‘oh’ that followed him.

Jeno was puzzled.

It had been three days since he first saw the pinkette. Not a full 24 hours since he had tried to talk to him. He didn’t understand why the other kept running away. Every time Jeno saw him in the hall, he would scurry off in the opposite direction. Jeno thought of lunch on the first day. Why would he try to hide himself? The others at the table, specifically Mark, knew him. But how? He was determined to find the answer to his question by the end of that day.

After class was over, he went in search of his friend. The more reliable one. Mark. Surely he would know something about the mysterious boy. He had seen him in his biology class, but didn’t sit with him. Partner projects suck.

He rushed out of the room right as the bell went. Mark was leaving his last class, ending his conversation with Lucas. Jeno caught up to him easily, with Mark heading in his direction. The older spotted him too late and almost ran into him.

“Hey, what‘s up?” Mark asked, battling against hallway traffic.

“I wanted to ask you something, but not here. It‘s too loud”

“Okay” He spoke hesitantly “Seems dodgy but okay”

“At least it’s not Lucas asking. If it were him, it would be dodgy”

“Or stupid” Mark adds.

“Or both”

“Touche”

They continue their walk until they’re outside, waiting for their bus. The normal, casual banter never stops. Pushing and shoving is always a thing they’ll do, even when they‘re old. Soon, their bus arrives, finally travelling home. It takes a while to get to their stop, so Jeno decides that the bus was as good of a place as ever.

“So, how do you know the pink haired boy?” Mark gives him an exasperated look, contemplating his answer. 

“He’s Donghyuck’s friend” Jeno looks at him, waiting for him to go on. “Donghyuck drags him everywhere. They’re glued at the hip, or at least till three days ago”

“What’s his name?”

“Jaemin” Jeno rolls the name around his head a moment before asking more.

“Is he new, or was that just his first time sitting with us?” Mark gave an expression of slight shock.

“You‘re kidding, right?” Jeno shook his head, wondering why Mark would say something like that. “He’s in Donghyuck’s grade, and he‘s sat at our table for the past two years”

The statement made Jeno feel uneasy. How could he not see someone sitting right next to him for two years? What kind of person did that make him?

“Oh… Shit” Was the only thing he could think to say.

“Yeah” The rest of the ride was silent. Though Jeno couldn’t say the same for his thoughts.

The next day was rocky for Jeno. Mark would glare at him every chance he got. Though he said nothing to the younger. It had something to do with their conversation the day before. Jeno didn’t know why it was such a big deal. It’s not like Mark was that close to the pinkette. What could make it that important to him?

All he could think about that night was the boy. How did he not notice someone sitting right next to him for two years? Two years. Especially someone as cute as him. When he thinks back, he can‘t remember anyone being there. It’s like he had a blind spot, the size of a whole person. He felt terrible about it. But the more he thought about it, the more he contemplated whether he would’ve talked to him if he had known he was there. He thought it was useless to interact with underclassmen unless absolutely necessary. Jeno regretted that decision now.

For the first time in his highschool life, Jeno skipped lunch. Or eating in the cafeteria at least. He didn‘t feel like putting up with Mark‘s foul mood. Whether or not he sat there, someone was going to notice something off about him. He may as well avoid making a scene.

So, he went outside. Fall was showing itself. The leaves, bright orange and red, crunched under his feet. A fresh breeze brushed past him, making the leaves flow in a stream across the grass field. He watched as they blew around in waves, swirling over a figure laying on the ground. Tufts of pink hair flew out of their hood. Curious, Jeno walked over.

“So we meet like this again” A stupid thing to say, yes, but it was all Jeno could think to say. 

Jaemin shot up when he realized who was speaking. Right then Jeno‘s face appeared close to his own. The other was kneeling in front of him, with a hand on his shoulder to keep him where he was.

“I want to apologize” The last word made Jaemin still. What was he apologizing for? Or more like which situation was he sorry about? Jaemin didn’t know what to say. Or if he could say anything. Nothing happened for a moment. Then Jaemin found something resembling strength and stood up. Jeno got up along with him, his hand that was on the other’s shoulder slipped to his forearm.

Jeno was about to speak, but was cut off by Mark running up to the pair. It was clear Mark was here to talk to the younger since he didn‘t look Jeno’s way once. Defeated, Jeno left. He had no idea how he would get a chance to talk to Jaemin if he kept getting cut off.  
Jaemin and Mark had sat down in the grass. Whatever Mark had to say, he wanted Jeno out of earshot. So, they didn‘t speak a word until they saw the school door close. When Mark turned to Jaemin, the latter knew it was serious by the look in his eyes.

“Are you okay?” Is the first thing the older asked.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You know, the whole thing with you and Jeno. Then Donghyuck. It’s a lot of stress, even for you, and it will get worse if you don‘t have anyone to talk to”

“Who are you, a therapist?” He meant it as a joke, but Mark held firm. Maybe he wasn‘t as funny as he used to be.

“I could be. I mean, not certified, but you can talk to me if you need”

“Thanks. I might take you up on that at some point if things stay the way they are”

“You‘re not the only one who’s sorry about what happened. Donghyuck’s been sulking since your fight”

“Then why doesn’t he come apologize?”

“You know he’s stubborn. I also don’t think he knows how, in this situation. You’ve never had a fight this serious before. He doesn’t want to push you further away”

“The feeling’s mutual”

“Figures. Just, talk it out. You’ll make it better, you always have”

“Yeah” With a nod, Mark left him. Jaemin had even more to think about. He wouldn‘t be doing any quality studying for a few days.

Jaemin was exhausted.  
Studying for three tests put a lot of stress on his shoulders. He’d been up till 3 every night that week. The information wouldn‘t stick, no matter what he tried. The events of the previous week preoccupied his brain. Donghyuck still had yet to talk to him. Jaemin adn‘t approached the redhead either. He didn’t know what to say. It was burning a hole in his daily life. Spacing out became a common occurrence for him.

Coffee was his best friend. He wouldn‘t be able to stand if he hadn’t had his three large cups before starting his day. It was 11 in the morning. On a Saturday no less. Yet his eyes were threatening to close on him. Why do humans need to be tired, anyway?

He took another swig from his travel mug, then looked at the next question. It wasn’t his homework. Or he would’ve had it finished during class time. It was the homework of the student he’d been tutoring. His mom had insisted that it would be a good idea when the neighbor lady asked her if she knew anyone good at math. Her son, Jisung, was a bright child. A little awkward with new people, but friendly. Once they got closer, Jaemin found that he could be a cook a chicken with how much that boy roasted him. Jaemin also found out they went to the same school. Jisung was a year younger than him. He figured the only reason he never saw him was because Jaemin spent most of his time hiding.

“We’ve been at this for hours. Can‘t we take a break?” Jisung sighed, falling back on the couch.

“One more question, then we‘re done” Jaemin was becoming frustrated with the other. How could it take someone so long to understand one question?

“Why do we even need to know what direction a parabola goes? Math is so confusing”

“Keep doing it. You’ll understand at some point”

“It’s been four hours. How long until I get to this ‘some point’ place?”

“When you get there”

“You sound like an old man. Wisdom this and knowledge that. Ugh”

“You must get used to it. Until your grades are better, your mom will be on my case”

“You accepted her offer in the first place”

“I said ‘maybe’”

“And yet you‘re still here”

“Yep” With a loud yawn, Jaemin rose from his spot on the floor. His back cracked when he stretched, making both cringe.

“Seriously though, this test is in two days. There‘s no way I’ll be able to understand all this by then”  
“We can try”

“Don’t you have more important things to do? Go fawn over that guy Jeno or something” Jisung’s comment made Jaemin sigh heavily, rubbing his temples to relieve some pain. How did anyone deal with this child?

“Just do one more question, then I’ll be out of your hair”

A long, drawn out ‘fine’ was Jisung’s response. Jaemin‘s headache pounded against his skull. He was almost out of patience, and coffee. Plus, he had his own work to finish. There were only 24 hours in a day, which put him on a time crunch. Teachers didn’t care about their student’s sanity at all. Piling on essays and tests. Sometimes Jaemin felt like they had ruined his life before it even started.

Jaemin had avoided Jeno for the better part of two weeks. It was tricky when the older found every one of his hiding spots. Jeno seemed determined to talk to him. He had an idea about what he wanted to ask about. That didn’t change that Jaemin wasn‘t ready to talk yet. He promised himself he would reconcile with Donghyuck first. His emotions were too unstable to approach Jeno without his friend being there for him.

“Done” Jisung half shouted as he threw his pape out to Jaemin.

“Finally” Jaemin mumbled after looking over Jisung‘s answer.

“So?” Jisung tilted his head.

“Perfect” Jaemin said. The paper was passed back to the younger before being throw into the air.

“Great. Now you’re free to leave” Jisung walked to the door, bowing as he opened it.

“See you”

“Even if it’s a century from now, it’ll be too soon”

“We still have more questions for tomorrow”

“Don‘t remind me”

“Maybe I won‘t. Then I won‘t have to show up”

“Hopefully”

Jaemin checked his phone for the time, deciding that he could get some studying done before lunch if he hurried. He said a quick goodbye, then ran out of the house. 

 

He hadn‘t interacted with anyone the entire week, besides Jisung, but the devil child doesn‘t count. Which made his surprise even greater when he answered the knock at his door. Donghyuck, who Jaemin hadn‘t seen since last week, stood at the threshold. Before Jaemin did anything, he was engulfed. His friend had crushed him between his arms, shoving his face into his shoulder. Sniffles could be heard as the redhead sobbed into his friend. After pulling him inside, all Jaemin could do was hug back. They stayed in the same position as he moved to the couch. Neither said a word. They both wanted the comfort of their friend back.

It had taken a while, but Donghyuck‘s tears slowed to a stop. He turned to look Jaemin in the eye, not sure what would await in their depth. Donghyuck didn’t see any hint of hate, only concern, which relieved him. 

“You’ve looked better” Is all Jaemin could say, hoping to break the long pause. Donghyuck made an attempt at laughter, but there wasn’t any emotion put into it.  
“I’m sorry” Jaemin knew it was coming. It’s how they always were. Straight to the point. Although, this time took a little longer. “What I said was awful. I know I can trust you. I’ll always trust you with everything. This was a petty argument. I missed you too much”

“I missed you too”

“Really?”

“How could I not miss you? I’ve been relying on you for too long” They both chuckle, still laying intertwined on the couch. It was quiet for a few minutes before either spoke. The odd time their holds tightened, not wanting the other to leave.

“You could‘ve told me” Donghyuck snapped Jaemin out of his thoughts. 

“What?”

“You could’ve told me you know, about Jeno” Jaemin sighed, trying to put his reasons into words.

“You weren’t the problem, I was. I don’t think I was ready to tell anyone”

“If I’d have known you would’ve reacted that badly, I wouldn’t‘ve brought you to all those parties. This whole thing is my fault”

“Hold it right there” Jaemin turned to look at Donghyuck. “Not one bit of this is your fault. Do you understand? None of it.” Jaemin punctuated each of the words, putting emphasis on his last sentence particularly.

“Jeez, okay. So most of it wasn‘t my fault”

“None” Jaemin corrected.

“Fine”

“Good”

“Great”

“Terrific”

“So you promise to tell me everything from now on?”

“Okay”

“You promise? Pinkie promise?”

“Yes, okay”

They spent the rest of their afternoon sitting in the same spot. Jaemin only moved to accommodate a sleeping Donghyuck in his lap. There was almost no talking, besides Donghyuck complaining he was hungry. They felt normal again even though it was still far from.

The studying had been worth it. When Jaemin got his marks back, he was shocked. He was glad Donghyuck, and him were on speaking terms again because he needed someone to tell him he wasn’t dreaming. Even though his tests were done, he was still chugging cups of coffee a day. Homework existed, which kept him up a couple extra hours. His new found habit concerned Donghyuck, who worried for his friend’s sleep schedule.  
It relieved Jaemin that Donghyuck was calm about the whole situation. The latter never once put him near the edge of his comfort zone. They ate lunch behind the school, even with Mark’s scolding they would get sick in the cold. He felt guilty for separating the couple, but every time he would bring it up, Donghyuck would insist that it was okay. That he spent enough time with his boyfriend and didn‘t want to get sick of him. They also stayed at one of their places while hanging out. It took a while for them to get used to their new system, but they managed.

School halls became a nightmare. Donghyuck had been very helpful with avoiding a specific someone. A little too helpful. He would drag Jaemin away the second he spotted any of Jeno’s friends. It was getting excessive, so Jaemin told the other he could calm down. Donghyuck disgruntle agreed.

The odd time Jaemin convinced his friend to sit with his boyfriend on break, he would stay in their usual spot. He kept a keen eye for any sign of Jeno. This gave Donghyuck the opportunity to absorb all the current gossip. Which he would reiterate to Jaemin later while making snacks.

That’s how he heard about the exchange students coming in from China. No one knew them, just that everyone was supposed to be helpful to them. Their school wasn’t big, so new students were rare. Excluding the whole grade that came in every year. So it buzzed around. Even Jaemin became curious.

 

Jaemin’s day started off normal. He and Donghyuck walked to school, pushing each other off the sidewalk and kicking stones down the path. Same as always. They parted ways at the front doors. He assumed Donghyuck went off to find Mark before their history class. While Jaemin weaved through the crowd towards his locker. For their smaller grade sizes, there were sure many people in the hallway. He was just taking his books out of his bag when someone crashed into him, sending him and his books flying over the floor.

“Oh shit, I’m sorry” Someone held a hand out for him to grab, which he accepted. He looked up just in time to see a boy his age lean down to pick up his books. Jaemin stood there, stunned. The boy was beautiful. Jaemin had never seen him before, but his brain couldn’t process past that. Then the brunet in front of him smiled, and his insides melted.

“I’m Renjun. What’s your name?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


	5. Chapter 5

“I’m Renjun. What‘s your name?”

 

“Uhh…” From Renjun’s giggle, Jaemin could tell he was making a fool of himself. His cheeks reddened. The embarrassment worsened when he realized they were still holding hands. He retracted his, turning to pick his books up off the floor. It was a small distraction from the person gazing at him. He didn‘t know what to do after pen locker. Jaemin was surprised to see Renjun standing there once he shut his locker.

 

“You‘re cute” It sounded like an inner thought accidentally spoken aloud. But the smile on Renjun‘s face said otherwise.

 

“Thanks” Jaemin muttered, looking at his shoes. No stranger had ever complimented him before. It felt nice for someone to say it with honesty. He only ever heard such things from his close friends and family. But they had to say things like that to people they‘re close to.

 

“Sorry for knocking you over before. The halls are very crowded”

 

“You’ll have to get used to it” After getting over his embarrassment, Jaemin felt a rush of confidence flow through him. Maybe it was because he needed more friends, or that they were strangers to each other. He didn‘t know. Then he could lift his head a couple more inches. Not looking at the other‘s face, more like his right shoulder. “Are you new here? I’ve never seen you around before”

 

“Yeah, I am. I moved here with a friend of mine from China”

 

“You’ve been te talk of the school all week”

 

“Good to know. Explains all the looks I’ve been getting”

 

“We don‘t get many new people here. You‘re a commodity of sorts”

 

“Since I’m new here, I don‘t know where anything is. Do you think you could show me where room 305 is?”

 

“Sure. Follow me” Jaemin made his way through the maze of people gracefully. Renjun, not so much. The pinkette slowed down, hoping the other wouldn‘t knock anyone else over. Soon, Jaemin stopped altogether. Right in front of room 305, which happened to be the history classroom. It was also Donghyuck’s first class, along with Mark and Jeno. They were sitting in the back, engrossed in a heated discussion. He didn‘t want Jeno seeing and going after him, so he moved out of view. Renjun turned to Jaemin before entering the room.

 

“Thank you,…” Renjun held out a hand for him to shake. That‘s when Jaemin realized he hadn‘t told Renjun his name earlier.

 

“Jaemin” He finished for the brunet.

 

“Jaemin” Renjun echoed. “It was nice to meet you. Hopefully I run into you again though next time maybe not so literally”

 

“Hopefully”

 

 

They both smiled, then left. Somehow, meeting Renjun had made Jaemin‘s day brighter. He wanted to see the other again soon.   
Renjun couldn‘t stop thinking about Jaemin. It was his first day here yet he was already daydreaming. The teacher had called on him multiple times in history alone. Once he was outed a third time, he promised himself to not think of the other. His brain was goo by lunch, all thanks to the pinkette.   
  


He made his way to the place he agreed to meet Chenle for lunch. A small table in the back of the cafeteria. Though getting there was his greatest obstacle. To him, it felt like there were a thousand people there in that one hall. He had to focus hard on not being tripped or knocked over.   


  
When Renjun got to the table, he found there was one more person sitting there than expected.   


  
“Made a friend?” Renjun asked Chenle, raising an eyebrow.   


  
“Yep, this is Jisung. He doesn‘t have any friends, so I offered”   


  
“I have friends” Jisung muttered, before shoveling his food into his mouth.   


  
“Your tutor doesn‘t count”   


  
“Honesty, you never should’ve said yes” His comment was directed to Jisung, who looked back awkwardly. “Chenle‘s an ass”   


  
“Am not”   


  
“Are too”   


  
“Am not” It went back and forth until Renjun decided to be the better man, and that he needed to eat something.   


  
For all of lunch and fourth period, Renjun continued to block his distracting thoughts. He wanted to make a good impression on his first day. His mind could conjure all it wanted after he left his last class. Although, his determination was thwarted by fifth period. Right when he walked into the room, his eyes were drawn to the bunches of pink hair poking out of a hood. A small grin appeared on his face. He moved to sit in the spot next to Jaemin.   


  
“Hey stranger” The pinkette lifted his head from where it was resting on the desk.   


  
“Hey. How‘s your first day been?”   


  
“Good so far. Are the people here usually nice?”   


  
“When they want to be. They probably want fresh blood in their friend groups. Since your new, you’re a prime candidate. The girls will be all over you because of that”   


  
“That‘s too bad for them then”   


  
“Not interested in dating?”   


  
“No. Just not interested in women”   


  
“Then we’re in the same boat” Renjun turned to Jaemin, eyebrows raised.

 

“Really?”

  
“Really”   


  
“Okay then” The bell rang before they could take their conversation any further.    


  
All throughout class Renjun felt like someone was staring at him. But whenever he turned to look, he couldn’t find anyone watching him. It was strange, but he brushed it off as first day jitters.   
  


  
Jeno couldn’t concentrate. All he could hear were the giggles echoing from across the classroom. It was driving him mad. The new guy plopped himself beside Jaemin like he owned the place. But that’s not the part that frustrated him. It was that Jaemin didn’t move away. No, he was chatting animatedly with his desk partner. Why was it he moved when he sat there, but not this new kid? He put that on the list of things he wanted to ask the younger. When he had the chance.   


  
Mark was back to talking to him. He could tell the older was still upset with him. Jeno understood why the older was disappointed in him. He was disappointed in himself too. Even worse when he had been so hyperaware of him recently. Idiocy at it finest. That could also have been applied to Jaemin. Whenever Jeno approached him, he would scurry off. Either that, or Donghyuck would rush him away. It was like the pinkette‘s friend had developed a Jeno radar. He never failed to find him in a crowd, or around a corner. It irked Jeno.   


  
Right when the bell rang. That‘s when he would go talk to Jaemin. Or attempt to, at least. It takes Donghyuck a few minutes to get from his class to Jaemin‘s. So there won’t be anyone in the way of reaching him. Jeno knew it sounded harsh, but he wanted answers. Cornering him in the hall would work, he hoped.   


  
So he did it. The look Jaemin had was a mix of confusion and fright. It made him feel sorry, but only for a few seconds. Then he tried to talk to Jaemin. Keyword ‘tried’.   


  
“Hey, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been looking to talk to you.” The silence from the other was drowned out by the bustle of the students behind them.   


  
“You wouldn’t happen to be avoiding me, would you?” Still no answer. A few strands of his bright hair blew out of his face when he looked up from the ground. It could’ve been a trick of the light, but he thought he saw a dust of red covering his cheeks. Then noticed how he was eyeing the space between Jeno and the hall. He was looking for a way out. The lack of answers made Jeno’s mood sour.   


  
“Do you talk at all?” It came out harsher than he wanted. Jaemin jumped at his raised voice. He looked down again, slouching more, if that was possible. Jeno realized that he was trying to make himself smaller, more invisible.

 

 

Jaemin wanted to disappear. He was surprised when Jeno came up to him, hence why he got cornered. It felt even worse when he talked. Starting with light conversation wasn’t Jeno’s strong suit. Too soon he was at the receiving end of frustration. Jaemin knew Jeno could burst sometimes, he had never wanted to be the one he directed it to. He wanted to fold himself into the wall, to not exist anymore. So the situation would end.   
Then, a ray of light.   


  
“Jaemin?” A voice questioned from over Jeno’s shoulder. The confused eyes of Renjun met his when he raised his head. It broke him from his trance and push past Jeno. The older looked defeated as he glanced back, walking away. Renjun wrapped an arm around him, guiding him down the corridor. “You okay?”   


  
All Jaemin managed was a nod.   


  
“I came back because I forgot my binder in the bio room, in case you were wondering” Jaemin let out a small chuckle, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder.   
  
  


  
“Is he nice?” Donghyuck asked, rolling over on Jaemin‘s bed. They had been doing homework a moment ago, but gave up after ten minutes. Lying around was the only thing they could do well. That and talking. There wasn’t ever a lull in conversation between them.   


  
“Who?”   


  
“Your transfer student. The one you’ve been around all day. What’s his name? Ru- Ri-”   


  
“Renjun"   


  
“Yeah, him. Is he nice?”   


  
“Why do you care? You have a boyfriend anyway unless you’re thinking of breaking up”   


  
“Not for me, for you. I need to feel out the people that hang around my best friend aren’t bad”   


  
“Okay then. He’s nice. He saved me from Jeno today”   


  
“Does he know?”   


  
“No, we only met today. That topic isn‘t exactly small talk”   


  
“I guess not”   


  
“Why?”   


  
“Well, I was thinking, what about you and him?”   


  
“Me and him what?”   


  
“Date”   


  
“What?” Jaemin sat up with a start, looking at Donghyuck with a dumbfounded expression.    


  
Unfazed by his outburst, he continued. “I mean, as long as he likes guys”   


  
“Where did you pull that idea from?”   


  
“Well, he’s new, so it’s not like you’ve known him your whole life. You also need someone to keep your mind off Jeno”   


  
“Wouldn’t I being using him to get over Jeno?”   


  
“Kinda, I guess. Then you’ll have to be friends who turn into boyfriends. You might love him one day, leave Jeno in the dust”   


  
“I wish it were that simple”   


  
“It can be, you have to try”   


  
“Just try” Jaemin repeated over in his head. Maybe he will try harder.

  
  


The next day Jaemin sat in the cafeteria. Except he wasn’t there against his will. Renjun invited him to his table when they met each other in the morning. Thankfully, they didn’t run into each other like last time. The bright smile flashed his way was hard to say no to, so he gave in.   
So there he was, back facing the rest of the room. Jaemin felt a gaze at his back. It was one he’s known for years. When he turned to look over his shoulder, he saw Donghyuck raising his eyebrows at him. It would be hard for him to explain his way out of that one.   


  
He got pulled back into the conversation by Chenle’s shreiking laugh. Beside him, Jisung rolled his eyes, per usual. Jaemin didn‘t understand what happened, but still joined in. He enjoyed his lunch hour for the first time in a long while.   
  
  


  
Jaemin wasn’t wearing his hood. That’s the first thing Jeno noticed when him and Lucas stepped into the cafeteria. The next that the younger was in the room. Not once had he seen Jaemin in there since the first day of school. Then he moved his gaze left, to the person sitting beside Jaemin. The transfer student who had stuck to the pinkette’s side since he arrived.   


  
A few minutes later Mark and Donghyuck joined them. The latter looked stunned to find his friend across the room. He was easy to spot with his bright hair. Jeno could hear a group of girls gossiping about him as they passed by. They were calling him a new student and questioned why they weren‘t told about his arrival. Same as he thought not that long ago.

 

“Is that Jaemin?” An oblivious Mark asked, pointing towards the corner.   
“I wonder who else has pink hair in our school?” Donghyuck answered, rolling his eyes.   


  
“Why is he sitting over there?” An equally oblivious Lucas said in between mouthfuls of his sandwich.   


  
“Renjun asked him to” Donghyuck stated before digging into his backpack for his lunch.   


  
“Who?” Jeno looking from Jaemin‘s table to Donghyuck.   


  
“The transfer student, from China”   


  
A chorus of hms travelled around the table and a new topic came up. Jeno didn’t contribute since he was too busy staring at Jaemin. The one time he looked back, Jeno averted his gaze. Jaemin might’ve thought he was a creep if he caught him.   


  
Jeno‘s mind kept asking questions. Why was he here? If he asked for Jaemin to sit with them, would he? What was so special about Renjun, anyway? How could he catch Jaemin’s eye?   


  
The last one almost flew over his head. Why did he want the younger to pay attention to him? He knew nothing about him. Was it guilt, for not noticing him for such a long time? Or something else? He was so confused. Then he turned to see Jaemin again. There spread a bright smile on his face as he laughed. Jeno felt his heart skipped a beat. What happened to him?   


  
Jeno spent the rest of the school day mulling over his inner thoughts. He still didn’t understand what he had been thinking. The only solution he came up with was talking to someone. There was no way he would be able to talk to Mark or Lucas about this. He didn‘t want them making a joke of it, or not being able to give him advice. So he needed a different person to confide in. Which is where he found himself after the bell rang.   


  
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” He asked after taping Donghyuck’s shoulder. The latter passed a dark glare his way before the younger turned to face him.    


  
“What do you want?” He laced the words with disgust, but Jeno brushed it off.   


  
“Can we speak privately, please?”   


  
“Why?” Donghyuck crossed his arms, displeased.   


  
“Just, please?” Jeno tried his best to use his puppy eyes, to look desperate. He realized it most likely wouldn‘t work on Donghyuck, but it wouldn’t hurt to try.   


  
“Fine” With that, the redhead stalked off through the waves of people. Jeno was content to follow him since the other had agreed to his request. They stopped in the stairwell. Donghyuck leaned against the closest wall, gesturing for him to talk.   


  
“Where do I start?” Jeno said to himself though still loud enough for the other to hear.   


  
“Is this about Jaemin?” Of course that would be the first thing he asks.   


  
“Kinda” He answered, looking at his shoes.

 

“How can it only be ‘kinda’ about Jaemin? Either it is, or it isn’t”

  
“Then I guess it is”   


  
“Go on” Jeno fiddled with his hands, embarrassed about explaining his situation.   


  
“I have this weird feeling in my stomach whenever I see at him. My heart flutters when he laughs. I can’t think of anything but him anymore, What’s happening?”   


  
The small silence was all Jeno needed to look at Donghyuck. His eyes went wide, mouth a gape. Jeno stared at the other, waiting for him to say anything.   


  
“Well, fuck” Was the first thing he said, followed by a quiet sentence. “You like him”   


  
“What?”   


  
“You like him. You like Jaemin”   


  
“Oh”   


  
“This complicates things” Then Donghyuck was gone.   


  
Jeno didn‘t know what to do.   
  
  
  
Jaemin felt better than he had in months. He and Renjun spent their entire Saturday afternoon walking through the park. They talked about whatever they could. Something about him had Jaemin smiling like an idiot. He had a strange sense of déjà vu when he looked at Renjun. Like he felt this way before, a long time ago. Which he connected to his earlier days of highschool. Before his life went to shit.   


  
He’s seen less of Donghyuck for the past week. Somehow he found excuses to get out of all their plans. It confused him, but that wasn‘t anything new. The redhead would get in a mood where he would avoid everyone. It happened when he and Mark fought, or school stressed him out. The good thing was that it never lasted long. Donghyuck always had a need for attention.   


  
Since his friend wasn‘t around much, he hadn‘t had to explain the cafeteria incident. He was glad for that because it allowed him to be more confident sitting with Renjun and the others. Though he can still feel eyes boring into his skull on the odd occasion. He knows it’s not Donghyuck, because they would’ve talked already if it was. Jaemin had his suspicions on who it could be, but he didn‘t want it to be true. That‘s why he didn’t turn around.   


  
It was calming to be with people who acknowledged him. Seeing Jisung and Chenle was the best entertainment. He was glad to see the youngest making friends. His interests set him apart from most kids their age, so it was difficult for him. The two of them were too cute to handle. Others, Renjun would try to strangle them. Teenage antics.

  
  


Two months had passed and Jaemin was glowing. He’d went from a sulky blob of emotions to a ball of sunshine in no time. Thanks to Renjun. He even changed his hair, to rid himself of his past. Jaemin thought less of Jeno every day. Walking the halls didn‘t make him nervous. The changes came slowly, so much that he didn’t see it at first. It hit him one day while doing homework. Normal became a word he used more often to describe his life. But it seemed so irrelevant that he brushed it off. 

 

The only thing that brought him down was Donghyuck. Since that day in the cafeteria, he hadn’t seen him around all that much. It worried Jaemin. Had something happened to him? Or did he offend the other? Their conversations weren’t long enough to have any serious context. If Jaemin didn‘t have any other friends, he would be wrecked. How many times had he gone over to Jisung’s playing games? Or when Renjun would hold him while his tears fell? 

 

That brought him back to reality. They all met next door, him, Renjun, Jisung, and Chenle. The two youngest sat on the livingroom floor, engaged in a vicious battle of Mario Kart. It entertained him, how Jisung would win, and Chenle would push him over. Chenle always challenged the other to a rematch. Renjun and him lay out on the couch, observing their bickering. The brunet was in the corner, hugging the popcorn bowl. Jaemin sprawled out, head in the older‘s lap. He couldn‘t care how they ended up in that position. All he wanted was to stay there forever.

 

Jaemin imagined they looked like a couple, no matter what they did. He would snuggle real close to Renjun, and he wouldn’t push him away. In public, they would hold hands. He wasn‘t being subtle about his hints. Yet, Renjun acted as though they were only friends. How did someone be so dense?

 

Even though he had gotten closer to Renjun over the past few months, he couldn‘t shake his feelings for a certain someone. It bothered him. He knew for sure he admired Renjun, so how did he still like Jeno? Why did he beat himself up over it?

 

“You awake?” A voice from above him said.

 

“No” His reply muffled by him turning into Renjun’s stomach.

 

“Whatever you say”

 

The sounds from the game stopped. Laughter spilling from the kitchen replaced them. That meant he and Renjun were alone. Jaemin rolled over, so he was facing up. When he stared up, he saw the older scrolling through his phone. A small smile grew on his lips. Mesmerized, he kept examining him. The longer his eyes lingered, the more he wondered.

 

He wondered about Renjun, and Jeno, weirdly. What did one have that the other didn’t? Why did he like Jeno in the first place? His fluffy hair, gorgeous smile, and adorable laugh came to mind. The way he sweeps his hair back, and the glasses he wears occasionally. Then why did he like Renjun? He wasn‘t Jeno, for one. What else? Maybe he only liked Renjun to take his focus off Jeno. The thought disgusted him.

 

No way could Jaemin date Renjun knowing that. He wanted to get over Jeno the right way. Not use another person to alter his emotions. The older was so nice to him, he couldn’t use him in that way.

 

Just as his thought finished, two bodies flopped on him. Chenle and Jisung snickered at the groan Jaemin let free. They shrieked with laughter in no time

 

Why didn‘t he accept his life? Did he have to want more?

  
  
  


The past months had not been kind to Jeno. After their talk, Donghyuck seemed even better at avoiding people. He left Jeno with more questions than answers. What did he mean, ‘this complicates things’? He still didn‘t know what to do about him liking Jaemin.

 

The second point had Jeno caught in his thoughts too often. He had too much time on his hands to do anything else. Hours would pass, and he would still imagine the boy’s eyes. School was the worst because he had to face him in person. Though it was from afar, which made in worse. Sometimes they popped up when he looked at the stars from his bedroom window, considering about what it would be like to have him there. He imagined it a lot. What it would be like to go for walks, sit in the park, cuddle up on the couch, or any other thing that Jeno did alone? Jeno knew Jaemin had someone to do all those with. The transfer student, whom Jeno felt great jealousy towards.

 

Jaemin spent all his time with Renjun and their two underclassmen. Jeno would see them huddled together in the hall, laughing. After school he would spot them walking along, with their arms linked. Their heads would lean against each other’s at lunch, where everyone could see them. While Jeno couldn’t even catch his eye. That’s why he needed to talk to Donghyuck.

 

Talking Mark into handing over his boyfriends number posed a challenge. The struggle went in vain as Donghyuck never answered his messages. Next he tried to visit his house, but every time his mom insisted he wasn’t home. The day after that, Mark came up to him, telling him to stop harassing his boyfriend. So Jeno took a break, waiting for the right moment. He didn‘t want to upset Mark, but he needed answers.

 

Donghyuck was much harder to corner than Jaemin. He was quicker and paid more attention to his surroundings. It was a miracle he grabbed the younger when he got through the doors. Class didn‘t start for 20 minutes, so he had time. He turned when he sensed a hand on his elbow, only relaxing when he realized it was Jeno.

 

Jeno lead them to an unused hall, then blocked the exit so Donghyuck couldn‘t leave.

 

“I want to talk” Jeno stated, putting his hands up.

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I’m confused. Why are you avoiding me? Why is Jaemin avoiding me? What did you mean by ‘this complicates things’?” Donghyuck sighed, looking up from the ground.

 

“It’s complicated”

 

“Can‘t you uncomplicated it?”

 

“It‘s not that simple”

 

“Try”

 

“I said it’s complicated because you like Jaemin”

 

“So?”

 

“It‘s complicated because he likes you too, at least he did the last time we talked”

 

The world spun as Jeno tried to process Donghyuck’s words.  His daze only stopped when he got to the second part.

 

“What do you mean ‘at least he did’?”

 

“I think he likes Renjun now”

 

“Who?”

 

“The transfer student who‘s glued himself to Jaemin‘s side once he got here” His jaw tightened when he imagined of the two together. “But I might be wrong. I don‘t think a crush that lasted that long can go away at the flick of a switch”

 

“Now I’m even more confused. ‘That long lasting’?” Jeno‘s eyebrows furrowed as his brain mulled it over.

 

“Jaemin‘s had a hopeless crush on you since I dated Mark”.

 

“But that was forever ago” Startled, he tried to remember ever seeing him anywhere. Still, nothing came to mind. “What, like two years?”

 

“Yeah” The hint of regret in Donghyuck’s voice didn’t go unnoticed.

 

“So-”

 

“I’m not saying anymore. Figure out your feelings for yourself. With that he stalked off, leaving Jeno with tangled emotions.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


	6. Chapter 6

Unknown Number

10:12 PM

We need to talk

 

Jeno was perplexed by the strange message he opened a minute ago. He stared at it for a moment, wondering if the person had the wrong number, or wanted to start a conversation.

 

Jeno

10:15 PM

Who is this?

 

The reply was quick, almost as if the mystery person had known what he would ask.

 

Unknown Number

10:15 PM

Renjun

New to your school

I transferred in a few months ago

 

Jeno

10:16 PM

What do you want?

 

He didn’t mean it to sound harsh, but he couldn’t help himself. His emotions got the best of him.

 

Unknown Number

10:17 PM

I need to talk to you

 

Jeno

10:17 PM

So talk

 

Unknown Number

10:17 PM

In person

 

Jeno

10:18 PM

About what?

 

Unknown Number

10:19 PM

Something important

 

Jeno

10:19 PM

What could that be?

 

Unknown Number

10:20 PM

What’s with you asking all these questions?

It‘s about Jaemin

 

The last message made him perk up. It must’ve been serious if Renjun wanted to talk to him about Jaemin.

 

Jeno

10:21 PM

When?

 

Unknown Number

10:22 PM

Now?

 

Jeno

10:22 PM

Where?

 

Unknown Number 

10:23 PM

The Park?

 

Jeno

10:23 PM

K

I’ll be there in 10

  
  
  


Jeno ran.

 

He didn’t know why, but he did. Questions were going through his head non-stop. So many, too many. He needed to calm down before his heart exploded. It hadn’t taken him long to get to the park, and there was Renjun, sitting atop a picnic table. He forced himself to slow down, so he looked presentable.

 

“I realize you’re probably confused,” Renjun spoke as Jeno neared.

 

“A little” Jeno settled himself down onto the bench, staring up at the dark sky. It was a clear night, stars shining. They almost looked like cute freckles.

 

“So, about Jaemin” Renjun paused, waiting to find the words for an explanation.

 

“Yeah” Jeno encouraged the other to continue.

 

“Well, Donghyuck told me about the conversation you two had the other day,”

 

“What about it?” Jeno felt himself growing nervous.

 

“From what I understand, Jaemin likes you and has for a while now.” It was more of a statement, but Jeno answered anyway.

 

“According to Donghyuck, he liked me. He‘s not sure about that anymore.”

 

“He mentioned that.”

 

“Did he also tell you that Jaemin likes you?”

 

“Yes”

 

“Do you like him back?”

 

“Yes”

 

“So why are we having this conversation?”

 

“Because I’m leaving. I have to go back to China” Jeno nodded his head in acknowledgement.

 

“That still doesn‘t answer my question. Why are you talking about this with me?”

 

“I thought you might know how to put him down gently. Since he’s liked you before”

 

“I never had to do that.” Jeno hesitated, not knowing how much he should tell. “I didn‘t ever notice him. We hadn‘t said anything to each other till this year”

 

“Oh” Was the only reply. Jeno could see Renjun processing the information. After a while he couldn’t stand the silence.

 

“It was a stupid thing. How did I not see someone right beside me for two years?”

 

“That‘s a good question” Renjun replied, looking defeated.

 

“I wish I had an answer. I want to fix it because I know I’ve caused him pain, but I don‘t know how”

 

“Looks like we’re both in a predicament”

 

“Yeah” Jeno looked down, contemplating. “I’m sure you can tell him plainly. He’s not the kind of person to hold something like that against you.”

 

“I hope you’re right”

 

“So do I”

  
  


It was Monday, and Jaemin was done with life.   


  
He walked into school feeling dead. Studying kept him up late the previous night. Add the stress of the test he had that day, and he turned into a ball of nerves. He’d been scanning his textbook all weekend, memorising it. Multiple people tried to get him out of him room. Donghyuck even showed up, which surprised him. The redhead dragged him down to the living room where they spent the evening watching movies. Jaemin was glad his friend was with him again. But that didn’t stopped him from opening his notebook the minute Donghyuck left. He wasn‘t about to fail his bio test because of a movie night.   


  
When he saw Renjun standing by his locker, Jaemin slowed. With him so focused over the weekend, he had ignored the numerous texts he had gotten. He felt guilty seeing him. Was studying a good enough excuse not to talk to someone? He knew Renjun already saw him, so he couldn‘t walk away.   


  
With his head down, he trudged up. Renjun didn‘t say anything at first, so Jaemin stayed quiet. After gathering his things, Renjun spoke up.   


  
“You look like shit”   


  
“I believe you” He sounded more tired than he meant to.   


  
“You okay?”   


  
“Yeah, stressed. Bio test today”   


  
“If you have time, can I talk to you?”   


  
“We’re talking right now” Jaemin tried to smile, but it didn‘t reach his eyes.   


  
“Later, privately”   


  
“Okay” Jaemin couldn‘t remember ever seeing Renjun like this. He seemed jittery. It put Jaemin on edge.   


  
“After school then?”   


  
“Sure” Usually Renjun would’ve said something in acknowledgment, but he only nodded and walked off.   
  
  


  
He wrote the worst test in his life, but all the studying paid off. Throughout the class, he sensed Jeno looking at him. At one point Jaemin glanced up, seeing Jeno‘s worried gaze. It concerned Jaemin. Normally his crush would avoid looking in his direction. Why would That day be different?   


  
Renjun hadn‘t told him why they were meeting. He wasn‘t at their table for lunch, so he didn’t have the chance to ask. It left Jaemin to wonder throughout the day. Possibilities ran through his head. If he was honest, he was excited, but he didn‘t want to get his hopes up.   


  
So he walked out to the field. Renjun texted him after the last bell to meet by the bleachers. It was turning into winter. The air nipped at his uncovered hands. He understood that Renjun wanted privacy, but did they have to meet in the middle of the soccer field? It was too damn cold for him to be outside.

 

He spotted Renjun sitting on the bottom bench, head in his hands. Jaemin had a sensed that something was wrong. The hope that had blossomed in his chest sputtered out. When Renjun looked up, Jaemin saw the sorrow in his eyes. He slowly approached, afraid of starting the inevitable conversation. The bite of the frosted metal bench kept him anchored in the silence. When Renjun spoke, Jaemin almost sighed in relief.

  
“I’m leaving” Jaemin turned, a confused expression covering his face. “I’m going back to China” He didn‘t know what to say. Should he ask why he was leaving? Or why he wasn‘t staying? Instead of deciding, Jaemin didn‘t say anything.   


  
Snow fell then. Pure white flakes fluttered down, only to melt moments later. They landed on Renjun‘s head, making him seem like an angel. Jaemin stared at the boy in front of him for what felt like forever. Renjun returned his gaze, which seemed to hold more regret every minute. He turned away, studying the ground turning pale.   


  
“I know you like me” It was Jaemin‘s turn to pull his attention away, contemplating what to say. “Which is why it hurts so much more to go. Because I like you too. I wanted to go on dates with you, to hold your hand, to kiss you goodnight. I’m sorry to you, and myself, because I want all those things and more. But I don‘t want to put you through a long distance relationship. I don‘t want you to always be waiting for me. That‘s why I won‘t be keeping in contact with you. I don‘t want you to have hope for us”   


  
Even though they sat together on that bench, they felt a million miles away from each other. As much as it pained him to, Renjun stood up. He took one last glimpse at Jaemin and walked away.   
  
  
  
Jaemin sat there for what felt like hours. He emotions were so strong that his mind blanked. It didn‘t register to him he didn‘t feel his hands anymore. Or that his few tears had left frozen paths down his cheeks. He was just there, existing.   
  
The sky had darkened when someone wrapped a jacket around his shoulders. It roused him enough for him to look up. Against the white background of snow was Jeno. He was in a t-shirt, which is when it registered that the surrounding coat must be Jeno‘s. He was sure his heart would’ve fluttered if it could feel anything.   
  
After Jeno walked Jaemin to his car, he drove off. He didn‘t remembered where the boy in his passenger seat lived, so he brought him to the next place he could think of.   
  
Donghyuck answered the door in his pajamas, hair disheveled. Mark stood behind him, equally unkempt. The redhead’s eyes widened as they took in Jaemin’s form. He was barely standing, shivering like mad. Mark took him from Jeno, placing him on the couch. He offered to stay, but Donghyuck insisted they would be fine. With one last worried glance at his crush, he went out the door.

  
  
  


It took Jaemin a few days to get back on his feet. Mostly from being sick since he’d sat in the cold for hours. He wouldn’t recommend it to anyone even if someone did have broken their heart. Donghyuck had been there when he could. His mom made him go to school, but other than that he stayed by his friend’s side. He didn’t care if he got ill.

 

Renjun came to say goodbye, but Donghyuck turned him away. Jaemin told him what happened the moment he had been able to. It made the redhead furious. He paced around his friend‘s room of an hour afterwards mumbling threats to the foreigner. Jaemin being Jaemin tried to calm him down, insisting he was over him already. They both knew how much of a lie that was, but neither continues the conversation after that,

 

Donghyuck told him that Jeno asked about him. How he was, and if he felt any better. It surprised Jaemin. Donghyuck said Jeno was the one to rescue him from the cold. He wondered if the older knew why he‘d been sitting outside, freezing to death.

 

His mom forced him to go back to school once he was better. She‘d been convinced he’d missed too much after four days away. It made him feel worse, knowing he had no choice. He wouldn‘t be able to hide forever. That‘s what Donghyuck told him over the phone. Despite that, he still wanted to stay under his covers for a while longer.

 

Jaemin should’ve known his friend wouldn‘t let him wallow in his sorrows. Every time Donghyuck came over, he would do everything to get him to smile. Sometimes it was effortless, others Jaemin wouldn’t even lift the corner of his mouth. He saw that it frustrated the redhead. Wondering if his friend would be able to piece himself back together.

 

So came the day when he had to face the crowd. Like always, he ate cereal for breakfast, listened to music, and tried to not freak himself out by thinking about the day. Just his usual morning. By the time he was sure he wouldn’t die of panic Donghyuck got to his place. He assumed his friend stuck to their routine to keep some sense of normalcy.

 

Their walk was filled with silence. Every so often Donghyuck would send glances his way. He would ignore them, not wanting to worry his friend more than he already was.

 

Classes went as well as they could‘ve. Up till lunch he was fine. He didn‘t have an emotional breakdown yet, which he found to be a good thing. The afternoon was what he dreaded the most. For the past few months, he’d grown used to Renjun sitting next to him. He realized he would be empty with no one to talk or laugh with.

 

The library had always been his safe spot so that‘s where he spent his lunch hour. He wasn‘t sure he could keep anything down, so he left his lunch untouched. So he settled down with a book, not noticing someone approaching. He only turned when the person cleared their throat, startling him. There stood Jeno, looking at him with the softest eyes he’s seen the boy have. They stared at each other for a moment, until Jeno spoke gently.

 

“How are you feeling?”

 

“Fine” It came out more muted than Jaemin intended.

 

“You didn’t look fine when you were outside, frozen”

 

“I don‘t want to talk about it” Jaemin shied away, into the corner of the couch.

 

“Okay”

 

They sat there, Jaemin fiddling with his hands, and Jeno focusing on the person in front of him. He was ready to leave when a slow tear fell from Jaemin’s eye. Soon others followed. The sight hurt his heart. He couldn‘t leave him there to cry alone.

 

Slowly, he went to the couch. He kept a good distance away in case the other didn‘t want to be close to anyone. But he opened his arms, offering comfort. It surprised him how quickly Jaemin crashed into him.

 

Jeno felt the brunet sobbing against him. All he could do was hug him. He rubbed lazy circles into his back once the younger hid his face in his shoulder. After a few minutes the crying stopped, but neither moved. Not even once the bell rang for the next class to start.

 

They had been sitting for close to two hours when Jaemin stirred. His bleary eyes were enough to tell he‘d fallen asleep. Probably for the whole time they’ve been sitting there. He seemed shocked that Jeno was there still. He sat up, about to bolt out of the room. Only Jeno’s hand around his wrist that stopped him. Jeno sighed, now or never he thought to himself.

 

“Before you run off, I want you to know I like you. Like like you” Jaemin moved to reply, but Jeno cut him off. “You don’t need to say anything. I thought you should know there‘s someone out there that likes you”

 

Then Jeno was the one running away. He scurried out of the library as far as he could get without going outside. His heart was still beating a mile a minute once he slowed.

  
  
  


In that moment Jaemin stayed still. The words processed slowly. He remembered hiding from everyone in sight, too embarrassed to face any onlookers. Then sprinting to bio because missing two sciences in a day would be a death sentence, and he‘d already skipped one. He realized he wasn‘t being subtle about his glances across the room, but he couldn‘t help it. His heart finally lifted.

 

Since then Jeno had given him space. Not too much because they had some casual conversations. After the first few, he realized he didn‘t need to be afraid. His nervousness had been for nothing. Jeno was kind, funny, and everything anyone wanted in a person. So they talked, not about much, but it was enough.

 

Jaemin felt himself being pulled in by the older. He acknowledged that his crush on Jeno never truly faded, only got tucked into the back of his mind. It came back with full force. He would see Jeno’s smile and instantly feel better. Somehow he always wanted to gravitated towards him. Soon he had enough confidence to join their lunch table. Donghyuck’s eyes almost feel out when he saw the two talking together.

 

They spent more time hanging out. Whether it be for an hour after school, or the entire weekend. Rumors of them dating started flying around the school. It didn‘t seem to faze Jeno one bit. All he seemed to care about was spending time with Jaemin.

 

Jeno played no winter sports, so he had loads of free time. Most of it he tried to spend with his new companion. They would sit together in the library even if they wouldn’t say anything. When Jaemin was stressing over exams Jeno was right there, along with Donghyuck, to help him. They studied for hours before Jeno would insist on a break. He kept Jaemin from drinking six cups of black coffee for breakfast. Before they realized it, they were basically dating.

 

So Jaemin wanted to make it official. He realized he’s been leaning on Jeno for a while. Since he was more comfortable with the other, he wanted them to become closer. To confess to his crush. Which was what he never had the guts to do before.

 

They were having a movie night. Jeno‘s head rested on his shoulder, squishing his cheek to snuggle closer. They almost finished the first movie. Jaemin was ready, or he thought so.

 

“Hey Jen?”

 

“What’s up?”

 

“I like you” Jeno smiled softly.

 

“I know”

 

“How?”

 

“Renjun told me right before he left. Plus you’re not exactly subtle”

 

“So if you like me, and I like you, what do we do?”

 

“Isn’t it obvious?”

 

“No?” Jeno moved to sit facing him, taking Jaemin’s hands in his.

 

“Jaemin,” Jeno leaned forward, staring into his eyes. “would you be my boyfriend?”

 

His mind filled with a rush of memories. Before Renjun, before the parties. His younger self would never imagine this happening. Then to the past few weeks. How sweet Jeno was to him. The answer would be obvious to anyone in his position.

 

“Duh” The smile that split across Jeno‘s face was the best sight Jaemin had ever seen. He enveloped him into a bear hug, barely able to breathe. Once they separated, their eyes locked again.

 

“Can I kiss my boyfriend?”

 

“I don’t see why not”

 

Seconds ago he wasn‘t sure he could have felt any better. The kiss proved him wrong. There wasn’t anything special about it, other than the person beside.

 

So they sat there, two boys, in love with each other.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/muffiny-muffin)


End file.
